Friday, October 14, 2011
Knowledge is power
I'm just glad to know that after being away from it, I legitimately do know that I was better off during my crazy hardcore gym time. Granted I need to scale back rebooting myself and won't devote 4 hours a day like I did at my peak early this summer but having lived both lives for myself I'm happily returning with logical grounding and a better realistic spirit.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Being in shape is not just physical.
I'm trying to get in excellent mental shape too.
Without going through my whole life story, I'll just say I've had some rough times from the get-go, and I've had some amount of depression for as long as I can remember. Throw in about 12 years of childhood bullying (creative, nerdy kids who get free lunch don't win popularity contests) and let's just say I'll be a regular at the Therapist's for some time. But it is all good - everyone should have a neutral party to be totally honest with. TOTALLY honest. Otherwise it won't work.
I used to get frustrated pretty often when I exercised. There are things I hate, like mountain climbers and lunges, because they're difficult for me. I feel like I can barely master them and this makes me very, very angry. Yoga makes me angry because I can't get my mind to be quiet, I can't sit still.
I couldn't ever figure out why all this should bother me so much, but then it dawned on me as I was doing laundry.
I like to be perfect at things. If not perfect, at least completely awesome. Perfect was how I stuck it to the bullies, got attention, reaped praise. Perfect grades, mostly, but I won a couple ribbons at the county fair for baking and sewing, so there's that.
I am not perfect at working out. I never have been, despite 3 seasons of cheerleading, 2 seasons of track, and a season of swimming throughout middle school and high school. I'm not a natural athlete (unless you count loving to hike), so I've never put much into it. I can't expect to be able to run for 5 miles, do 20 squats or a perfect minute of mountain climbers, or bliss out for an hour of yoga if it's not something I've done regularly. You build up to it.
In hindsight, I think I've spent my life focusing on what I am great at to compensate for or hide my weaknesses, instead of working on those weaknesses and making them at least average. As a result, I don't have a lot of experience honing and acquiring new skills. It puts me outside my comfort zone.
All things considered, I do believe it's time to expand my comfort zone and embrace things I know I'm not great at*. That leads to growth.
So what are you going to embrace? What's holding you back?
*Patience is a huge one! I'm very patient with others, but not with myself. I want to be perfect now, have results now, get what I want Now, Now, NOW - instead of relaxing and enjoying the journey to get there.
Without going through my whole life story, I'll just say I've had some rough times from the get-go, and I've had some amount of depression for as long as I can remember. Throw in about 12 years of childhood bullying (creative, nerdy kids who get free lunch don't win popularity contests) and let's just say I'll be a regular at the Therapist's for some time. But it is all good - everyone should have a neutral party to be totally honest with. TOTALLY honest. Otherwise it won't work.
I used to get frustrated pretty often when I exercised. There are things I hate, like mountain climbers and lunges, because they're difficult for me. I feel like I can barely master them and this makes me very, very angry. Yoga makes me angry because I can't get my mind to be quiet, I can't sit still.
I couldn't ever figure out why all this should bother me so much, but then it dawned on me as I was doing laundry.
I like to be perfect at things. If not perfect, at least completely awesome. Perfect was how I stuck it to the bullies, got attention, reaped praise. Perfect grades, mostly, but I won a couple ribbons at the county fair for baking and sewing, so there's that.
I am not perfect at working out. I never have been, despite 3 seasons of cheerleading, 2 seasons of track, and a season of swimming throughout middle school and high school. I'm not a natural athlete (unless you count loving to hike), so I've never put much into it. I can't expect to be able to run for 5 miles, do 20 squats or a perfect minute of mountain climbers, or bliss out for an hour of yoga if it's not something I've done regularly. You build up to it.
In hindsight, I think I've spent my life focusing on what I am great at to compensate for or hide my weaknesses, instead of working on those weaknesses and making them at least average. As a result, I don't have a lot of experience honing and acquiring new skills. It puts me outside my comfort zone.
All things considered, I do believe it's time to expand my comfort zone and embrace things I know I'm not great at*. That leads to growth.
So what are you going to embrace? What's holding you back?
*Patience is a huge one! I'm very patient with others, but not with myself. I want to be perfect now, have results now, get what I want Now, Now, NOW - instead of relaxing and enjoying the journey to get there.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Sad Panda Feels Outnumbered In Life
I've been completely off track for nearly 3 months now with the gym and all exercise in general. I feel like I know what the reverse of the phrase zero to hero is, I've gone from small hero to failing zero. I've gone from being an inspiration to people to falling down so far that I barely have the gumption to even get out of bed most mornings.
I hit a point of burnt out tired around mid July. I'd been training like crazy, pull 3 and 4 hour days between bike riding outside and the gym. I pulled 90 minutes on an elliptical one day and did an 11 mile bike ride later that same afternoon. I figured no big deal... take a couple weeks off to rest my laurels and get my head back on straight and give my body a little bit of down time. Then bam out of the blue I came down with an infected nerve in a tooth and no dentist available for 5 days of misery accompanied with oxy-c from my regular doctor (which made me ill feeling and slept most the time) just to get me through that time period they could get at my damn tooth. 2 weeks down route canal completed. Then I got back to exercising again for all of less than a week when a really nasty painful cyst appeared on my ass/upper leg that decided to spread. Staph infection treatment for three weeks.
Sigh... by this time I was really losing heart and slowly losing grip on what had become such ingrained focus and habit for me. I happily started back at the gym in a very light precept because I'd lost so much ability and stamina it wasn't funny at all. 20 minutes on an elliptical was doing me to the point of exhaustion. It wasn't a pretty feeling at all.
Only it got worse for me with my run of personal bad luck. On a checkup about the staph infection I got asked about what the doctor referred to as a rash on my face and I said "oh, that, that's just rosacea as far as I know" and he asked if I'd ever seen anyone about it. I said no and then he got this horrible worried look on his face and said it may not be rosacea because antibiotics would help that not make it freak out to holy hell and have my face bleeding and oozing puss. (Yes, it's a very severe skin problem at times) So he asked if I'd agree to having blood work and an urine analysis done, I agreed. Well leave it to clutzy me, I slipped and fell running to my car from the doctors office that day and, bam, that put me out of commision on the gym yet again! I literally went home and sobbed, not even from the pain but just cursing myself and how yet again things happened beyond my control setting me off the only little bit of personal focus I'd been able to manage.
Fast forward a week. Had multiple vials of blood taken, urine and off it was sent to a special lab somewhere because he said it'd be a couple weeks to get back the results. Well low and behold I'm feel better with my wacked knee, I get back to the gym 3 times... next morning I go down my staircase in the dark to get some early morning coffee made for myself. Well... clutz again I fell down the end of my stairs. Smashed both of my knees hardcore, completely tore open the old wound on my right left and messed up not only my knee cap but my chin on my left leg this time. Later that day it started turning many not so pretty purple and blue colors where it wasn't just bleeding through. I was NOT a happy camper at all.
Two weeks to get my knees to feel better again I did get back to the gym very lightly 3 times but this time I wasn't feeling better myself, I was very tired and just not with it. I met up with a boy I'd been dating who wanted me to go to Rochester, NY to a Barbershop convention and singing contest he was entered in so I did. He complained he thought he was coming down with something but I didn't think too much of it. I spent that first night with him and the next day was feeling very very tired, went through another night and next morning I was flat out sick, snot running, chest hurting, coughing up crap, the whole nine yards. Sunday I was glad to be back home by that night because I'd been having a fever run on and off that whole weekend and just collapsed. Next day I knew I had a checkup anyway to see about the results of my blood work ect. submitted previously. Two birds with one stone I figured.
Doc looked at me, and put me on a horse pill of an antibiotic and a steroid for my lungs because I was in worse shape than I though. Nice bought of pneumonia and a middle ear infection had set it. As if I wasn't a sad enough panda at that point, his look changed and he sat down. He said he was sorry but he didn't have good news about what he could understand of my results. My heart just sank deep into my gut and I hadn't even heard the worst of it yet.
He said he wasn't qualified to tell me much but wanted me to see a specialist if I'd agree to it but said it'd be out of town. I nodded and said yes, then he just said flat out he was worried about some of the readings and that it may tie into other issues like insomnia, fatigue, depression, irritable bowel syndrome and seizures ( from in my teenage years) and premature ovarian failure with the early beginning onset of addisons disease that I'd seen an endocrinologist for originally years ago. Hell I'm even starting to shrink in height with is scary in itself, I used to stand 5 foot 5 and a quarter inch and now I'm 5 foot 4 and a half inch even. He also mentioned that it was possibly going to be a very serious issue later on with my kidneys if it wasn't already but there wasn't anymore he could do for me personally since it wasn't his field. He said again he was sorry he didn't have better news but was hopeful that the autoimmune specialist he was sending me too would have some more tests they could run to find out better what was going on and start treatment for me.
Right now I have a very empty, extremely depressed, and scared feeling encasing me. Sure, the boy I'd been very hopeful about and felt good being around gave me the "I don't think I see you that way brush off" and that's made me feel like garbage on a personal but that's just small crap right now and not even worth worrying about with my time. Right now I'm really frightened of the unknown with my health. Seems like the more I want to figure out things and have them be better, the more obstacles I find and the worse things get. Right now I'm just very tired, very bleak and been fighting off dizzy spells from this pesky bought of pneumonia that's been kicking my ass, even tried to work yesterday and ended up passing out and was sent home after an hour and a half nap and food to get my grounding back.
I've gained weight, gone up a size since this summer, have no stamina, strength is shot to nothing for weights and I'm starting wonder if it's worth fighting through all the crap I've experienced and felt for years. It's hard lately to tell if the good parts that can be found in life are really worth it. I want to think it's the right thing to keep on trying to live and be a better person even when I get down and feel like saying fuck it and completely giving up. Usually I'm able to find a friend I can to relate too and sometimes even have something new enter in unexpectedly to help bring me around. Giving up and wanting the lights of life to be permanently out seems logical more often than it should, but when you come to the end of your rope it's hard to find something new to hang on to. I like to hope that I shall find what will make me truly happy for whatever time I do have left on this crazy non-nonsensical rock called Earth.
If anyone can find my lost cheer,energy and motivation... send it post marked. You have no idea how grateful I would be.
I hit a point of burnt out tired around mid July. I'd been training like crazy, pull 3 and 4 hour days between bike riding outside and the gym. I pulled 90 minutes on an elliptical one day and did an 11 mile bike ride later that same afternoon. I figured no big deal... take a couple weeks off to rest my laurels and get my head back on straight and give my body a little bit of down time. Then bam out of the blue I came down with an infected nerve in a tooth and no dentist available for 5 days of misery accompanied with oxy-c from my regular doctor (which made me ill feeling and slept most the time) just to get me through that time period they could get at my damn tooth. 2 weeks down route canal completed. Then I got back to exercising again for all of less than a week when a really nasty painful cyst appeared on my ass/upper leg that decided to spread. Staph infection treatment for three weeks.
Sigh... by this time I was really losing heart and slowly losing grip on what had become such ingrained focus and habit for me. I happily started back at the gym in a very light precept because I'd lost so much ability and stamina it wasn't funny at all. 20 minutes on an elliptical was doing me to the point of exhaustion. It wasn't a pretty feeling at all.
Only it got worse for me with my run of personal bad luck. On a checkup about the staph infection I got asked about what the doctor referred to as a rash on my face and I said "oh, that, that's just rosacea as far as I know" and he asked if I'd ever seen anyone about it. I said no and then he got this horrible worried look on his face and said it may not be rosacea because antibiotics would help that not make it freak out to holy hell and have my face bleeding and oozing puss. (Yes, it's a very severe skin problem at times) So he asked if I'd agree to having blood work and an urine analysis done, I agreed. Well leave it to clutzy me, I slipped and fell running to my car from the doctors office that day and, bam, that put me out of commision on the gym yet again! I literally went home and sobbed, not even from the pain but just cursing myself and how yet again things happened beyond my control setting me off the only little bit of personal focus I'd been able to manage.
Fast forward a week. Had multiple vials of blood taken, urine and off it was sent to a special lab somewhere because he said it'd be a couple weeks to get back the results. Well low and behold I'm feel better with my wacked knee, I get back to the gym 3 times... next morning I go down my staircase in the dark to get some early morning coffee made for myself. Well... clutz again I fell down the end of my stairs. Smashed both of my knees hardcore, completely tore open the old wound on my right left and messed up not only my knee cap but my chin on my left leg this time. Later that day it started turning many not so pretty purple and blue colors where it wasn't just bleeding through. I was NOT a happy camper at all.
Two weeks to get my knees to feel better again I did get back to the gym very lightly 3 times but this time I wasn't feeling better myself, I was very tired and just not with it. I met up with a boy I'd been dating who wanted me to go to Rochester, NY to a Barbershop convention and singing contest he was entered in so I did. He complained he thought he was coming down with something but I didn't think too much of it. I spent that first night with him and the next day was feeling very very tired, went through another night and next morning I was flat out sick, snot running, chest hurting, coughing up crap, the whole nine yards. Sunday I was glad to be back home by that night because I'd been having a fever run on and off that whole weekend and just collapsed. Next day I knew I had a checkup anyway to see about the results of my blood work ect. submitted previously. Two birds with one stone I figured.
Doc looked at me, and put me on a horse pill of an antibiotic and a steroid for my lungs because I was in worse shape than I though. Nice bought of pneumonia and a middle ear infection had set it. As if I wasn't a sad enough panda at that point, his look changed and he sat down. He said he was sorry but he didn't have good news about what he could understand of my results. My heart just sank deep into my gut and I hadn't even heard the worst of it yet.
He said he wasn't qualified to tell me much but wanted me to see a specialist if I'd agree to it but said it'd be out of town. I nodded and said yes, then he just said flat out he was worried about some of the readings and that it may tie into other issues like insomnia, fatigue, depression, irritable bowel syndrome and seizures ( from in my teenage years) and premature ovarian failure with the early beginning onset of addisons disease that I'd seen an endocrinologist for originally years ago. Hell I'm even starting to shrink in height with is scary in itself, I used to stand 5 foot 5 and a quarter inch and now I'm 5 foot 4 and a half inch even. He also mentioned that it was possibly going to be a very serious issue later on with my kidneys if it wasn't already but there wasn't anymore he could do for me personally since it wasn't his field. He said again he was sorry he didn't have better news but was hopeful that the autoimmune specialist he was sending me too would have some more tests they could run to find out better what was going on and start treatment for me.
Right now I have a very empty, extremely depressed, and scared feeling encasing me. Sure, the boy I'd been very hopeful about and felt good being around gave me the "I don't think I see you that way brush off" and that's made me feel like garbage on a personal but that's just small crap right now and not even worth worrying about with my time. Right now I'm really frightened of the unknown with my health. Seems like the more I want to figure out things and have them be better, the more obstacles I find and the worse things get. Right now I'm just very tired, very bleak and been fighting off dizzy spells from this pesky bought of pneumonia that's been kicking my ass, even tried to work yesterday and ended up passing out and was sent home after an hour and a half nap and food to get my grounding back.
I've gained weight, gone up a size since this summer, have no stamina, strength is shot to nothing for weights and I'm starting wonder if it's worth fighting through all the crap I've experienced and felt for years. It's hard lately to tell if the good parts that can be found in life are really worth it. I want to think it's the right thing to keep on trying to live and be a better person even when I get down and feel like saying fuck it and completely giving up. Usually I'm able to find a friend I can to relate too and sometimes even have something new enter in unexpectedly to help bring me around. Giving up and wanting the lights of life to be permanently out seems logical more often than it should, but when you come to the end of your rope it's hard to find something new to hang on to. I like to hope that I shall find what will make me truly happy for whatever time I do have left on this crazy non-nonsensical rock called Earth.
If anyone can find my lost cheer,energy and motivation... send it post marked. You have no idea how grateful I would be.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Life-changing motivation; or, Operation Disregard Men: Get Jacked Redux
Earlier this month, Mr. Right became Mr. Left. As in, left me out of the blue.
I'm still reeling, but in the meantime I've dropped something in the neighborhood of 10 pounds, and have started training again in earnest. It's good for trying to take my mind off things, and preparing for the inevitable round of Dating Again (which I'm really, REALLY not looking forward to. I'm picky and I was happy, dammit. Where am I going to find another intelligent, attractive brewing heathen medievalist with a taste for atmospheric black metal, hikes and skee-ball dates who shares my existential/nihilist, misanthropic outlook and isn't a complete a-hole and makes me laugh like an idiot and light up like the sun? I digress. The doc says I just need more Zoloft.) And I know while I was with him I stopped working out regularly, drank more beer, stopped planning... about 15 pounds crept up on me over the course of the relationship. But it's done, and I know what I need to do.
As if that wasn't enough, my sister is recently engaged and I'll be shopping for a bridesmaid dress sometime next spring and I'll be damned if I'm not going to look fabulous.
Here's my plan of attack:
- Eat clean, stick to around 1200 cal/day if I can manage it.
This part can be tricky because I drown my sorrows with a friend on Thursdays, which involves about 3 drinks and sometimes pizza and cookies. I will make up for it with:
- Lift heavy, alternate top half/bottom half
I've never been able to stick with a split plan like this but after quitting Kung Fu (I loved it but the tuition is expensive, and I'm going to need a new wardrobe) I think it shouldn't be too difficult.
- HIIT
High intensity interval training. Every other day or something like that. On the days I'm not killing myself with sprints, I'll be doing a run/walk program to get myself back up to running 2+ miles in a go without puking.
- Have a plan
I haven't been writing this down, but every night I've been thinking about what I am going to do the next day - what I'll eat, how I'll train, and when - to keep myself on track. I've already gained a tad bit of weight back due to a bad start to the week - I didn't want to eat and ended up just shoving whatever looked like food into my mouth to keep myself going. Peanut M&Ms, popcorn, beer. Whatever, it was just a few days.
The important thing to remember about those little lapses are they're LAPSES. You do it, you acknowledge it, you forgive yourself, learn from it, and you get back on track. That can probably be applied to issues in relationships too, and yes, I'm going to go there. You're going to have ups and downs, and true character shows when you pick it up and don't let it stay down and keep striving for something better, keep learning from how you interact with others.
It's not a crisis if you don't work out for a few days, don't have a perfect diet or... don't have a perfect relationship. It becomes a crisis when you ignore what needs to happen - what you need to do, and how, to take care of yourself and to take care of a relationship. You don't plan or you don't communicate, you don't bother to get back on track, and it's doomed. Sometimes you need feedback to realize you're off track - your pants don't fit, the scale has gone up. Communication provides that essential feedback within a relationship and when it's lacking, things cannot get fixed because half of the couple might not know there's something wrong.
The grass is always greener where you water it. Anywhere you mindfully put in the effort you WILL see improvement. This applies to nearly everything in life and love.
You're working out and your form is bad, always has been? Keep going, find out how to correct it. Your're slow and always have been? Keep going, you will get faster. You have no endurance? Keep going, you can train up to it. You fall in love and you're a jealous girl, and it hurts your boyfriend? Keep going, mean it when you say you're sorry and learn how to not be. Your girlfriend has some baggage but is otherwise an awesome person with lots to give? Keep going, she'll learn how to leave it behind if she loves you - and if she's earnestly working on it, yeah that's a good sign that she loves you and she loves herself enough to want to keep things positive and become a better person. The best and worst thing about life is that nothing is permanent, and almost anything can change for the better.
I don't believe that there's one perfect person out there for me who I'm going to get along with effortlessly. I'm a realist. When you love someone, because you are so close and spending a lot of time with that person you are going to sometimes butt heads and sometimes you are going to disagree and it's going to hurt because you allow yourself to become vulnerable to that person. However, if you fall in love with someone, there's likely something there that means something to you, that's special and rare, and that's worth putting in the effort to keep because when you get along (which should be most of the time), things are awesome.
When it gets down to it, we're social animals, nobody enjoys being lonely and relationships take work, but if you love the other person, or did at one point, the effort is worth it. Unless they've done something truly reprehensible (cheat, steal, kill, maim), you can love them again. Being healthy takes work, but the effort is worth it. The human body is very forgiving if you give it what it needs - healthy food and exercise. You stick out the rough workouts because you know something better will come of it. You can learn to love yourself again. The heart can be forgiving too.
Mr. Right doesn't understand the last few paragraphs? Keep going, he'll either figure it out or he won't. He'll want to make it work if he loves you. YOU know you're worth it; if he doesn't, all it means is he doesn't love you, which is too damn bad for him, and frees you up for someone who does understand it's not all pancakes and cuddles, but will stick it out because the pancakes and cuddles are damn good, and there's nobody else with whom he'd rather share the good times, and who knows that you'll find the lesson in the bad and take it to heart to make yourself a better person. Someone who will tell you you're beautiful and maybe give you flowers (even if he had to pick them). And if he's really lucky, Mr. Right will realize his mistake before it's too late.
In either case, if you keep making the same mistakes, even if you always fix them them afterward, you'll just get stuck in a cycle - you won't make any progress.
Keep going, keep going.
I'm still reeling, but in the meantime I've dropped something in the neighborhood of 10 pounds, and have started training again in earnest. It's good for trying to take my mind off things, and preparing for the inevitable round of Dating Again (which I'm really, REALLY not looking forward to. I'm picky and I was happy, dammit. Where am I going to find another intelligent, attractive brewing heathen medievalist with a taste for atmospheric black metal, hikes and skee-ball dates who shares my existential/nihilist, misanthropic outlook and isn't a complete a-hole and makes me laugh like an idiot and light up like the sun? I digress. The doc says I just need more Zoloft.) And I know while I was with him I stopped working out regularly, drank more beer, stopped planning... about 15 pounds crept up on me over the course of the relationship. But it's done, and I know what I need to do.
As if that wasn't enough, my sister is recently engaged and I'll be shopping for a bridesmaid dress sometime next spring and I'll be damned if I'm not going to look fabulous.
Here's my plan of attack:
- Eat clean, stick to around 1200 cal/day if I can manage it.
This part can be tricky because I drown my sorrows with a friend on Thursdays, which involves about 3 drinks and sometimes pizza and cookies. I will make up for it with:
- Lift heavy, alternate top half/bottom half
I've never been able to stick with a split plan like this but after quitting Kung Fu (I loved it but the tuition is expensive, and I'm going to need a new wardrobe) I think it shouldn't be too difficult.
- HIIT
High intensity interval training. Every other day or something like that. On the days I'm not killing myself with sprints, I'll be doing a run/walk program to get myself back up to running 2+ miles in a go without puking.
- Have a plan
I haven't been writing this down, but every night I've been thinking about what I am going to do the next day - what I'll eat, how I'll train, and when - to keep myself on track. I've already gained a tad bit of weight back due to a bad start to the week - I didn't want to eat and ended up just shoving whatever looked like food into my mouth to keep myself going. Peanut M&Ms, popcorn, beer. Whatever, it was just a few days.
The important thing to remember about those little lapses are they're LAPSES. You do it, you acknowledge it, you forgive yourself, learn from it, and you get back on track. That can probably be applied to issues in relationships too, and yes, I'm going to go there. You're going to have ups and downs, and true character shows when you pick it up and don't let it stay down and keep striving for something better, keep learning from how you interact with others.
It's not a crisis if you don't work out for a few days, don't have a perfect diet or... don't have a perfect relationship. It becomes a crisis when you ignore what needs to happen - what you need to do, and how, to take care of yourself and to take care of a relationship. You don't plan or you don't communicate, you don't bother to get back on track, and it's doomed. Sometimes you need feedback to realize you're off track - your pants don't fit, the scale has gone up. Communication provides that essential feedback within a relationship and when it's lacking, things cannot get fixed because half of the couple might not know there's something wrong.
The grass is always greener where you water it. Anywhere you mindfully put in the effort you WILL see improvement. This applies to nearly everything in life and love.
You're working out and your form is bad, always has been? Keep going, find out how to correct it. Your're slow and always have been? Keep going, you will get faster. You have no endurance? Keep going, you can train up to it. You fall in love and you're a jealous girl, and it hurts your boyfriend? Keep going, mean it when you say you're sorry and learn how to not be. Your girlfriend has some baggage but is otherwise an awesome person with lots to give? Keep going, she'll learn how to leave it behind if she loves you - and if she's earnestly working on it, yeah that's a good sign that she loves you and she loves herself enough to want to keep things positive and become a better person. The best and worst thing about life is that nothing is permanent, and almost anything can change for the better.
I don't believe that there's one perfect person out there for me who I'm going to get along with effortlessly. I'm a realist. When you love someone, because you are so close and spending a lot of time with that person you are going to sometimes butt heads and sometimes you are going to disagree and it's going to hurt because you allow yourself to become vulnerable to that person. However, if you fall in love with someone, there's likely something there that means something to you, that's special and rare, and that's worth putting in the effort to keep because when you get along (which should be most of the time), things are awesome.
When it gets down to it, we're social animals, nobody enjoys being lonely and relationships take work, but if you love the other person, or did at one point, the effort is worth it. Unless they've done something truly reprehensible (cheat, steal, kill, maim), you can love them again. Being healthy takes work, but the effort is worth it. The human body is very forgiving if you give it what it needs - healthy food and exercise. You stick out the rough workouts because you know something better will come of it. You can learn to love yourself again. The heart can be forgiving too.
Mr. Right doesn't understand the last few paragraphs? Keep going, he'll either figure it out or he won't. He'll want to make it work if he loves you. YOU know you're worth it; if he doesn't, all it means is he doesn't love you, which is too damn bad for him, and frees you up for someone who does understand it's not all pancakes and cuddles, but will stick it out because the pancakes and cuddles are damn good, and there's nobody else with whom he'd rather share the good times, and who knows that you'll find the lesson in the bad and take it to heart to make yourself a better person. Someone who will tell you you're beautiful and maybe give you flowers (even if he had to pick them). And if he's really lucky, Mr. Right will realize his mistake before it's too late.
In either case, if you keep making the same mistakes, even if you always fix them them afterward, you'll just get stuck in a cycle - you won't make any progress.
Keep going, keep going.
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